Ava was beaming when I picked her up from carline earlier that day. Her favorite subject was recess... which she got three recesses that day. She was making some friends and having a blast. No surprise for Ava. She is a social bug that thrives on being with other people in group settings, so she has adjusted very well as we anticipated.
What I didn't see fully coming was my personal adjustments. I knew that certain things would be difficult for me, but I didn't recognize how difficult until I started living out our school days.
Carlines. Walking your kids into a school that I don't recognize very many faces. Just leaving them there, without much interaction with anyone else. This has been difficult for me.
Coming from a school where I knew a lot of the families, and where I could talk with teachers for a few minutes before class began, and sit in chapel time with my children, this was the biggest sacrifice for me. The dynamics at the old school of that teacher parent partnership where it was encouraged to have relationships with the teachers is something I will always be grateful that I got to experience. And it's something I miss now.
It's just weird - dropping my kids off and leaving them... I don't even know where I fit with it all. I feel pretty lost amongst the crowds of parents and teachers and children bustling about to start the school day. It even feels a bit lonely... I have had several times leaving the school from different situations and coming home and crying for a bit...
But then I remembered my prayer that God had given me for my children. That my children would place their identity in Christ and not in their school. And I realized that was what I had done and what I was starting to try to do. My identity is not in who I am, where my children go to school, what I do at the school... it's in Jesus, and that He chose me to be His. Schools change, churches change, life circumstances change, but He never changes. And He wants me to rest in that identity.
At first I thought I was going to jump in full force into volunteering at the school getting to know everyone and helping any way that I could. But as I look at my two littlest ones, and see the needs they still have at home with me, I am beginning to see my role defined for this year. My twins are at part time preschool, and then I have three days home with them. God has been impressing on both my heart and Nick that the next two years is my time to pour into the twins before they start full time school up. And seeing Josiah and Ava adjusting so well is reassuring to me - He is taking care of them when I am not there. Which means this mama has to let go a bit more - and trust and surrender them into the care of others each day... and Pray for them.
I think I had hoped for more times of rest but I have not reached that yet...
Sometimes the days seem to drag on, and other times they go by too fast. And I keep getting reminded of my life long lesson - that there will be struggles in all seasons of life. There is no striving for one season feeling like I have arrived as a mom - because then there will be other problems waiting for me there. It is all keeping me at a place of having to learn surrender, not to be selfish, and to be grateful where I am at this day. To Love God, To Love My Family, To Love all those that He brings into moments of my Life. Sometimes it is so hard in the midst of it all to remember the stories of His faithfulness in my life. That is what I have been striving and fighting to do - to not forget what He has done, and remember He will be faithful in future circumstances - good and bad. Maybe not the way I had planned, but always so much better than I could have pictured in the end. It's a hard lesson to learn - but one worth fighting for.
In closing I am going to post some pictures from my kids first day of school - because they are pretty cute! They are growing up though, faster than I am ready for at times - have to be grateful for every day I have with them!