Today was a very rough day. Not in the way a typical rough day would be. Nothing hard happened to me. It didn't help that I struggled a bit with insomnia the night before. Not as bad as in the past, but definitely not enough sleep... But for me, this is a typical time each month that my emotions are at an all time high, and hormones are raging and my capability to handle normal things become these tremendous tasks.
Tasks like: taking my kids to school and ballet. Coming home to a house to clean - but before I can start on that I need to fold clothes in the hall, empty the kitty litter, take out all the garbages, to prepare the way for a clean house. A clean house that will only stay clean for an hour before someone needs to pee in the toilet, or eat lunch at the table, or heaven forbid color with crayons and leave a few on the ground... You know, pretty much every mom's job...
The little list of to dos pile up more as I remember I am making a crockpot dinner today, and I need to get that started as well. I clean up the bathrooms, clean the floors, do another load of laundry... and I didn't wake up at 5:30 to run today, so I would like to fit that in, preferably before I eat my lunch.
And of course I would love to spend time taking the girls outside in the sun this afternoon before we pick up Josiah and Ava for school.
At 11:30, I head upstairs to throw on running clothes. Lunch is served to the girls, movie started.
2 minutes into walking on the treadmill the phone rings. It's Nick. Ava spilled some stuff all over herself at school and I need to take her a change of clothes.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I throw back on my regular clothes, have the girls load up in the van, and head back to the school.
But not before losing it on the phone with my poor husband, and getting extremely upset, saying awful things I really don't mean, about being fed up with being a mom, and just being nasty.
Oh I regret those things - "put a guard O Lord over my mouth..." especially at this time of the month.
I manage to regain my cool enough, to hopefully not express my frustration towards Ava when I dropped off the clothes at the school. Just ran in quick and gave them to her, and asked her if she needed a change of shoes, but she was good there. It wasn't Ava's fault. She's just a kid that had an accident spill on her, and she needed her mom to bring her clothes. But my heart attitude was way off...
I made it back home and as I pulled into the driveway something catches my eyes on my doorstep. Something that is big and yellow.
A little back story. Yesterday at church, we had a pastor from the UK talking about the Holy Spirit. It was a great message. Talking about what the Holy Spirit does:
The Holy Spirit empowers us to do the stuff Jesus did.
He directs and leads and guides
He confirms the love of the Father for us.
He fills us continually
How can we be filled by the Spirit?
Continue to chase after Him, eagerly desire His gifts. Ask, & receive in faith.
At the end of the message, we asked for the Holy Spirit to come give us a filling, like he did different times to the church in the new testament. And I was aching for it, and raising my hands asking, but at church, nothing happened. The pastor said to wait for it, that it was not our time, but His. And I waited but left church not experiencing anything different than the moments prior to asking for it.
So back to the porch and the yellow on my doorstep. I unload the car, and walk to bring our garbage cans in. I see someone brought me flowers and a note. I start shaking a little as I walk towards them. It's a bouquet of beautiful bright big sunflowers. And a note.
And the note reads: "Come Holy Spirit, Come... Encourage Kari's heart and may Your presence be ever present in her home. Psalm 121"
In my home.. in my home that I had just yelled at my husband in, been irritated with all my children in, thrown a very unroyal hissy fit in...
At that moment, the Holy Spirit broke into me and I started crying and crying and knowing, whoever had done this, had been listening to the Lord and took the time to go out of their way, to be Jesus to me and show His love to me, in a tangible way that told me I was important to God. I was valued by God. And God was calling me to respond so differently than the way I had that morning. I had failed, but He still loved me and He wanted to make sure I knew that.
Sometimes I forget those things. I know I have had the thoughts of, well, I had my vacation with Nick last week, and so now that I had that I don't deserve anything else for a long time. So many people gave so much for me to be able to do that. Thoughts like: "Kari you are such a consumer right now, you don't give to people and you have so many people that have helped you out so much in the last few months, and you need to be careful so others don't think you are taking advantage of them..."
And thoughts like, how do I care for those that mean so much to me, for those that do so much for me and my family, when I barely can handle the daily task of caring for my children right now.
But God used this person, to burst through all those thoughts to tell me HIS truth. That I meant so much to Him, and I have His Holy Spirit inside of me. And it broke me in a way I needed to be broken and put me back together in a way only HE could do.
I just had to share that. Praying that I can keep my heart open to His leading as well, even when I have hard hormonal days. I think today was an example to me, and hoping it can be an example to you, of how important it is to listen to the Spirit's leading when He impresses something upon your heart. I don't know how my day would have turned out if that hadn't happened. But I do know how it turned out because that person listened and obeyed.
Thank you dear friend, you know who you are, for being Jesus to me.