Saturday, August 11, 2012

waiting for the month of February

Three months of waiting for the time to try invitro.  We had so many amazing moments during that time.  We got to go to Sunriver with some friends the week before Christmas.  I remember going on runs in the beautiful snow (runs that later would not be taken for granted as I found out I would not be allowed to run when I got pregnant).  Playing cards after the kids went to bed late in the evening.  Going shopping looking at clothes, wondering if in a few months I would not be able to fit into anything I purchased.  Enjoying beautiful fellowship with amazing friends.    I had started potty training Ava a few weeks prior with the anticipation of pregnancy, I did not want to be pregnant and feeling miserable and not being able to help her do that.  Ava took to potty training like a champ.  She even held it over an extremely long drive over the mountain into Sisters. 

On that drive home on December 23rd from Sunriver it had snowed in Portland.  I needed to get another shot from the doctor's before Christmas.  Nick and I discussed on the car ride back what would be the best way to do that.  Originally we had thought I would go in on Christmas Eve in the morning, but as we got on the other side of the mountain we saw all the snow and slow traffic, and we opted to stop by the clinic on our way home.  It ended up being a blessing for us, finding out later, that our friends also coming back who had not gone through Portland but around Portland, ended up being stuck on a freeway that was not moving for 3 hours.  (We did not envy what they had to sit through, and again grateful, with potty training Ava that we were not put in that situation). 

Our church does an annual night of prayer from midnight to 6 in the morning.  My friends Becca, Emily, April & I decided to get a hotel one night and have our own night of prayer that would end at midnight instead of begin at midnight.  With me being on hormones, and April being pregnant, and really honestly none of us super big on the idea of not getting sleep all night long and having to pay for it later with our children, we decided that we would follow the pattern of how they pray and what they pray for, and do it together.  We had so much fun, it was a beautiful time of lifting up the plans God had for us and our children and any children to come.  I am so grateful for the time we had together to do that. 
I also planned a trip to go see some of our extended family in Albuquerque, for the very beginning of February.  It would be without children, and a chance to just be a sister and an Auntie to my niece and nephew.  I am so grateful for that time and those memories.  Sometimes making sure we take the chance to do something God lays on our heart is important.  I didn't realize that would be my last plane flight for a three + year period. 

On that plane flight I had a layover, and deciding to get frozen yogurt for my lunch.  Not the best decision.  I felt nauseous the on the second leg to Albuquerque.  But I will never forget what God did on that flight.  I sat next to a man, who was probably about 20 years older than me, named Paul.  I do remember he had a very musky cologne on, which was not a help to feeling better.  But we started talking basics.  I had two children that we had adopted, and that we had struggled with not getting pregnant on our own, and that I was visiting family in Albuquerque.  He wants to show me pictures of his daughters.  As he pulls them out, they seem a bit dated to me.  They reminded me of Olan Mill pictures taken of me when I was a child, and the hair styles were ones that were from the 80s era.  As I wondered about the pictures, he began to share his story.  He had a wife, and three daughters.  They were beautiful daughters - they all had blond hair and gorgeous smiles.  Then he shares that they were all killed by a drunk driver.  This man sitting next to me gained all my respect in the world as he shared his heart, of the loss, but also his desire to let the man know who did it, that he was forgiven.  He was a man that would have given anything to have them back in his arms, but chose in his life to embrace what God had placed in front of him and desired to show God's love and kindness and forgiveness to others.  Towards the end of the flight, he took my hands in his, and he prayed for my time with my family.  He prayed for my husband and I, and for the plans God had for my life. 
I had never felt so covered or blessed in my life. 

I think I share these things, just as a reminder to myself.  I could have been pushy at the dr.'s office, and not wanted to follow the advice to make my endometriosis go into remission for three months before we tried invitro.  We could have tried to get pregnant in December instead of February. 
But I would have missed out on so many things God wanted to do in my life during that time.  I literally felt carried through February.  No rushing to the finish line, just living each day at a time enjoying each moment He placed in front of me, no matter the outcome of what happened.  I would have missed out on so much if I had chosen to go that route. 

Recap: some of the memories I am grateful for during the time I waited to do invitro: 
Potty training Ava
Josiah's birthday
Going to Sunriver with friends
Running in the snow
Prayer Retreat with April Becca & Emily
Spending time with Joy & Rachael & Alyia & Kearney & Daniel in Albuquerque
Meeting Paul and being prayed by him

Ava Mae Hope at Josiah's swimming lessons

My beautiful friends on our night of prayer

 King Josiah at his birthday at Burger King

Joy taking me to her favorite Chinese food down in Albuquerque:
Pei Wei

The crazy snow in Portland

Taking Josiah ice skating for the first time in Sunriver

Ava watches the big kids play from her high chair

Josiah eating snow with friends

That and not to mention, that if we had did it a different month, I would not have Mallory & Lena.  I would have a completely different situation and life.  God's timing IS beautiful. 

The gift of friends to experience pregnancy with

One of the hardest things of not getting pregnant before we adopted, was seeing all my friends get pregnant, and not getting to share in the experience with them.  This was a little dream tucked away inside that I didn't even remember I longed for, until God gave it to me in a huge way. 

There was the phone call from Joy.  In January, she found out she was pregnant.  I began to hope a little bit that maybe just maybe God might let me and her be pregnant at the same time together. 

I got a phone call from my friend Lee, in the very beginning of February.  She was expecting!   She wanted to make sure to tell me before I went on my trip to Albuquerque. 

My friend April was pregnant.  A friend from Bible Study Alissa whom we all prayed for her fourth child, was pregnant with a child that God had the timing all worked out for.  Carissa was expecting.  Tanya... Breanna... Tricia, my dear infertility buddy who was expecting her third child ... ladies from church were finding out left and right they were expecting.  And I silently hoped and prayed that this time around I might be a part of this too. 

There was my friend Amy, who after some painful losses in her life we had prayed together on the beach and watched a beautiful sunset and hoped for a future of more children.  She was in the process of adoption and I was in the process of preparing to try to achieve pregnancy. 

Then when I found out I was expecting, a few weeks later my friend Sheri told me on a walk that she was pregnant too. 

And then at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party my friend Erin told me she was pregnant. 

And my friend Monica... she felt that God had told her that we would be pregnant at the same time, and around the time of my baby shower, she shared the news she was going to  be having a baby too. 

I got to be a part of the pregnancy club.  For one time in my life,  God had given me not only the beautiful gift of pregnancy, but the beautiful gift of sharing in it with so many other beautiful mamas or mamas to be.  He had given me that dream, and fulfilled it when I didn't expect it.  And some of these beautiful mamas had to go through some loss before they got to be able to be pregnant, and that made my heart's joy so much more great.  I remember praying that no one around me would miscarry or lose a baby while I was pregnant, because I couldn't bear the thought of a friend going through that and I wanted us all to make it to the finish line of holding our precious little ones. 

Those are some of the best gifts.  When He takes those really hard times from our past and brings them back as a beautiful fulfilled gift.  I was so blown away and amazed at His faithfulness and goodness of giving me something like that. 

The littlest details of our heart really are important to Him. 

A baby boom prior, Joy was pregnant with her second, and my friend Erin was pregnant with her second as well.  Erin bought this beautiful dress to wear at a wedding.  And then she passed it on to Joy to wear.  I loved this dress and thought it was so cute.  Erin promised me that if I ever got pregnant, she would save it for me to wear.  When she said that I smiled but I figured that wasn't happening.  But the heart behind it meant a lot. 

They saved that dress for me, and as they passed around between all of us who were pregnant, it was our sisterhood of the traveling dress club, and I got to be a part of it.  Granted, being pregnant with twins, when it was my turn to wear it, I only got a few short times in it before I outgrew it, but it really was another awesome blessing. 

I just wanted to share that, to those of you with those dreams and heart's desires - commit those plans in the Lord.  He knows your heart.  He loves YOU so much.  And He wants to bless you in ways you don't expect in His time.  So make the most of today, and trust Him to take care of the details, regardless of the outcome, He has your best in mind. 

Here is a picture of me in the traveling dress outfit: 

Some of the beautiful pregnant women around me, shortly before I became pregnant

Joy just newly found out she was expecting

My friend Lee & I, when she was just a few weeks away from giving birth and I was a few months away.  She looked amazing! 

 Erin & Carissa expecting little ones very soon!

Sheri & Nathan right after giving birth to Caliana, who is exactly one month
younger than Mallory & Lena

Leanne's little Hadley with my Lena

 The girls :) 

Cousins:  Kaydence just five weeks older than Lena & Mallory

If you have any pictures of being pregnant with me or of yourself from around the time we were pregnant I would love to post them.  It is a beautiful reminder to me of the gift of friendship and camaraderie God gave me during this special season for me.