Today, as I go through my morning ritual, I find the monthly gift of a period has graced itself once again in my life. I every so often wonder, each month, if by some miracle of God I might some day experience the joy of unexpected pregnancy. One that no one would know about, a secret that I could spill out to my husband in some form of surprise that I could watch his jaw drop to the ground and help him pick it back up. The one that I could teach Mallory and Lena how to be little mommies to a real baby, instead of their toy ones. Just an unplanned gift from the Lord.
I know a lot of women go through that as they are at the end of the "starting their family" and entering into the building stages with any of the gifts God has given. The wondering what it would be like to have just one more. We have been spending the last year clearing out our baby stuff little by little. My heart and quiver is full. But I do sometimes wonder... what if? It has been 11 + years of Nick and I never getting pregnant on our own trying. Not once. And I am at peace about it, but I think it will be a question that will always linger somewhere in the back of my mind.
As I opened up my email this morning, I received a comment from someone that listens to the infertility song that I posted on you tube. I wish I knew her. I wish I could hug her, and pray with her and for her. Because my heart aches for her this morning. She has waited 5 years for a baby. 5 years. In life that can feel like an eternity. I waited 4 before I held my beautiful Josiah in my arms for the first time. I wouldn't want to have imagined tacking another year or more on to that. But yet it is something none of us really have any control over.
As I have started writing this blog I know of some that have read it that have been aching for a baby, and God has granted them that heart desire. And I also know of some that have had their heart broken again and again as they wait and wonder what in the world God is doing.
I don't understand infertility. But I do understand what God does with a heart that is broken from it. He longs for us to Love Him first. To surrender a plans to an even greater direction that we can't even imagine. It will look so different for every single woman that goes through it. But He takes us to that place of complete surrender and reliance on Him because He loves us and does want to give us those desires of our hearts. But our deepest desire is HIM. HE needs to be our EVERYTHING. No matter what.
That is where He has placed me at time and time again. I remember watching the movie Facing the Giants after I had been given both Josiah and Ava, and although I liked parts of it, I rolled my eyes at the end of it. I felt it was an unfair story. Not everyone has that happy ending of "if you do everything you are suppose to and love Him and choose to honor Him no matter what," you don't always get pregnant. It is not the recipe for success in it. A part of me wished they could have shown the couple not getting pregnant and still being amazing in their faith and love for the Lord.
But see, in a way, I got my fairy tale ending now too. How do I write out my dream come true knowing that it doesn't always work this way? But Mallory and Lena are what God did in my life, and so I am praying over how to share their story. Because it is an amazing story to me. A story where God took so many of my unspoken hopes and dreams that I had put on the shelf thinking that they were closed chapters in my life, and He gave me one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. One that I can't ever take for granted. One that I know not every person gets. But for some reason, He chose to shower me with a rich conclusion to our family start. I feel so humbled that I was given that gift.
I hope and pray it blesses you as I share, and encourages you to trust Him regardless of the outcome.
So in the upcoming blogs, I will be sharing my Mallory and Lena story.