Sunday, November 6, 2011

Waiting with out answers....

Waiting...  this was something I was becoming good at.  Or was it something I was becoming NUMB to? 
I look back in reflection of the season of silence, from November 2006 to April 2007, with only one phone call of a possibility that didn't happen in the middle of it.  

It was a quiet time.  A time that I didn't know what was going on.  It was a time of internal stress.

How do we handle these situations out of our control?  The ways we try to cope with them. 

I plunged forward into trying to stay busy with Josiah.  Thriving on looking for any emails from friends that maybe might want to hang out.  Looking for ways to be involved serving. 

There are some fun things I got to do during this season of waiting.  I got to go on a WAY retreat with the church and serve tables with two amazing friends.  I was able to do a road trip with my friend Amy and our two sons, to California to visit friends that had moved down there.  Nick was going to be in a friend's wedding in the beginning of May.  There was a lot of great things going on. 

Business is something I thrived on.  Looking for the next big event on the calendar.

I also struggled with stress eating.  I had fluctuated up and down with my weight over the last few years, a subject I will write about in the future, but the loss of Ashley's baby marked a turning point where my lack of control of eating came into play, and I slowly started to put on weight and not fit into clothes and felt pretty down on myself.  I have so much to say on this subject, because God has grown me up so much in this, but for now I will just leave it there, to keep on with the story. 

In April we received a phone call from our agency.  A couple wanted to meet with us and another family as they were considering adoption for their baby girl who was due in May. 

April.  A crazy season of life for us.  The last three months Nick would be finishing his master's degree, taking two classes, and at that point at work was putting in 60 hours a week.  I wasn't seeing much of him. 
A year prior when we had started the process, we actually planned to go off the waiting list the months of April - June of 2007, while Nick finished things up.  However, after the two losses, and then not hearing much, we prayed about it and decided to stay on this list. 

We met with Zach and Lacey at the local agency office.  I was really nervous and feeling really shy.  I didn't know what they would think of us.  Nick played spokesperson a lot for us.  My friend watched Josiah while we talked with them, and then brought him at the end to meet Zach and Lacey.  Easing my nervousness, my son burst in the room all smiles with his adorable dimples, blue eyes shining bright.  There are 100 other things my very hyper active son could have done at that moment, but some how God knew that Josiah needed to respond like that. 

In reflection to that meeting, I think that I was more guarded.  After going through a near loss with Josiah, and a few losses prior to this meeting, I was protecting my heart from being broken again.  A part of me wishes I could change how I handled my internal feelings inside. 

We thanked them for meeting with us, I think we prayed with them, and then we said our good byes.  We knew they were meeting with another couple, so we once again waited. 
She was due beginning of May. 
I was planning to leave for California with my friend for our road trip, and we still had not heard anything. 
We called our agency, wondering if we should change our plans last minute. 
We received an answer.  They wanted to meet with us again.  We made plans to meet for lunch, and then I would be leaving for California.  We met for Chinese food in Portland.  It was a little more relaxed without the counselors and case workers there, and we talked with them. 
We went to a park close by and went on a walk, and then they shared how God had led them to this place of considering adoption.  I want to respect them by not sharing all the details, but I know that God spoke to both of them, and that HE had saved Ava's life.  It is amazing to me that Ava's name means "filled with life." 

They didn't give us any answers.  We once again said our goodbyes, and then we waited. 
I left for California, not knowing how things were going to go. 
I think in coping, I let myself think it was not going to happen, and went down and got to enjoy time with my friend who was expecting her first baby, and had just moved far away with family.  It was a blessing to have something else to focus on, but I pushed all those feelings down again, instead of working through them. 
I got a phone call in the middle of our trip from our caseworker, but she did not have any news for us.  They were still not having an answer, so we kept waiting. 
When I got back home, we still had no answer, so we kept waiting.  May 1st came.  No answer.  We kept waiting.  And I did not know what to think... 
I am going to post all the blogs from my old myspace.  And that will conclude this post :) 

Apr 13, 2007

waiting and praying...

This week has been an up and down week. 
Nick has been working tons -  I feel so bad for him, he just works so hard for us, but he is just one term away from his Master's, and I'm so proud of him for how hard he works, and just looking forward to the days ahead of him being able to have the freedom to do all the daddy things he wants to do with Josiah... like playing baseball and stuff with him.  Josiah loves his daddy so much and Nick is the best dad for him (:  Nick makes me want to be a better mom (:
This week we had a dear friend die in Iraq.  His name was Brett Walton, and if you live in the Oregon area - you may have seen this on the news.  He just left for Iraq last month, and was so happy to be serving the Iraqi people.  It makes me so sad that he had to die, and that his daughter Sydney will have to grow up without him in her life.  Below is a link to see about him.  We are just praying for their family... it just doesn't seem real at all...

On the same day we found out Brett had died, our agency called us, and said they wanted to show our profile to a birth mom due in May.  So next week she wants to meet with us and another family, to make her decision on whom should parent her baby.  Her name is Lacey, so please just be praying for wisdom for her - I don't know how one chooses that, but I know that it will need to be God giving her peace.  And God has the right child for us too... but of course my heart beats a little faster knowing that she is having a baby girl... so we would covet all prayers... we will find out what day this next week we will be meeting with her - but it will be sometime next week...

And then I get to go to visit my friend Holly down in California for almost a week - 1/2 the time with my friend Amy, and 1/2 the time with Nick, and all the time with Josiah (:  I'm really looking forward to the trip - Amy has never been to in and out before, so we are making sure we hit the one in redding before we head on down to see her. 

So it's just been a very busy time of life right now, good, but just emotionally AHHH sometimes... but it's just an opportunity to trust more...

And for those of you that are like me - I am so ready for the sunshine - I keep asking God when it will arrive?  It seems a little late - I'm ancy to pull out my capris and t-shirts - I have been in jeans far too long!!! 

Well, that's all for now...

Be Blessed!

Apr 16, 2007

Okay, so we got word on the meeting time...

Current mood:hopeful

This Thursday, we are meeting with birth parents, to see if we might be the right family for their baby.  They are meeting with one other adoptive family as well.  We would like to ask for wisdom & peace of heart for Zach & Lacey (the birth parents) that God will show them the right family to parent their baby.  If that is us, we would be so honored, but we know God has the right child for us, and are wanting to wait on his timing, so if that is not us, that God will just give us peace.  We just want His will in this. 
We are meeting Thursday morning, at 10am, for an hour, without Josiah, and then a friend will be bringing Josiah by so Zach & Lacey can meet him as well. 
Thank you so much for all your prayers and support in this – we are so blessed to have you all a part of this (:
I will keep you all posted once we hear more, but it may not be for several days after our meeting, depending on when Lacey & Zach are meeting the other adoptive family, and the time it will take for them to make this decision…  but once we know more, I will definitely let you know (:

Apr 23, 2007

No answer yet, but another prayer request...

Well, we have been waiting to hear on the decision, and we don't have an answer yet....Zach and Lacey liked both families they met with.  However, they said they connected with us a little more, so they want to meet one more time with us. 
Tomorrow morning (Tuesday) we are going to meet them for an early lunch at 11am, hopefully to provide a time we can get to know each other in a little more of a comfortable setting, and less of a "interview" setting.   Last time we were all pretty nervous, so the prayer request is that we could all truly be ourselves and that from this visit it would give clarity to Lacey and Zach on their decision.  This is just really hard for them – they really want to make sure they are making the right choice. 
Josiah & I are leaving tomorrow to go visit Holly in California for a few days, but I will try to post a blog, once we know what they decide.  We probably won't know much more until after Wednesday…
Thank you so much for your prayers!  We can't do this without them – it is really hard at times to just have all these emotions up in the air.  We just want to express to Zach and Lacey's God's love tomorrow, and encourage them in the midst of making this decision. 

May 1, 2007

No news yet... maybe soon????

Current mood:restless
So, I'm back from Cali, and already missing the sunshine - this rain things stinks - I got to go swimming every day with Josiah - it was just what I needed (: 
Nick, Josiah and I made the long drive home yesterday - only had about an hour worth of stops, left a little after 8am, and made it by 6pm - that's not bad timing (: 
Well, I'm afraid to say, we don't know much more than before with our adoption stuff...  Zach and Lacey wanted to take the weekend to think about it more.  What we do know, is, if they decide to do adoption, we would be the family they would choose.  But right now they are sorting through the reality of it all, and seeking God on what He would have them do, and it's just a really hard decision to make.  So right now, we are waiting... 
A part of me wonders if we won't know anything until after the baby is born...  The due date is May 9th - so it could be anytime now...
That's basically where we are at - and now I have a ton of catching up to do today - starting with getting food back in the refrigerator (:
I'll let you know when I hear more....
Thanks again for the prayers!

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