Friday, October 21, 2011

Listening to God...

Taking a moment to blog about current life...
This last year has not been an easy year in some respect. I have struggled with battling things of a depressed nature, being discouraged about not being able to complete what I desire to accomplish, or not even sure where to go or what to do with things that come up in my life that I maybe would like to try, but feel almost paralyzed?
I think a lot had to do with having a very sick year with my children last year. Being home a lot, meals filled with screaming babies whom I couldn't tell if they weren't feeling good from another ear infection, or if they just didn't like the current selection of food at the dinner table.
At the same time, feeling so grateful for the gifts God gave me, and not wanting that part of my life to be any different.
I see light at the end of the tunnel. I actually painted two of my children's rooms last month. I made a beautiful(I think it is beautiful) fall banner for my home, to celebrate my favorite time of year. I spontaneously took my children to a pumpkin patch on a beautiful sunny day after a dentist appointment. Getting little projects accomplished or getting to spend time with my children doing things outside of housework, Huge blessings to me!

Regret. Something I have been dealing with. Back when I was looking into dream vacation options, I happened to glance at solid rock's upcoming missions trips on their hear the cry page. I noticed there was one that was a trip just for women. Hmmm... I pondered about it. I was curious, very curious, but nick had gone to Haiti, I didn't really want to go, but I would pray about it. I wanted to ask about it, but I didn't. One of those things on my disorganized head lists that never came to fruition.
Then I see a post on Facebook. And I start reading about the planned trip. And it is going to have all these amazing women going on it that I love and admire and am encouraged by. I would loved go on this trip! I send a short message asking the gal what they are doing on the trip. She emails me back the details, but then I know.
It is too late. I am not able to go serve with these amazing women. We had the money in an account that I could have afforded to go, I had a husband that would have taken a week off to care for the children so I could have gone. I have been aching so badly for other women fellowship like this. Why wasn't I going?

I didn't ask. I didn't pursue. I saw, was offered the opportunity to pursue, even had a friend suggest Haiti as an idea for my trip.
God had provided everything, but I gave things every excuse under the sun, not realizing that maybe he s trying to give me a gift that I couldn't see at the time. He knew me so much and how my heart was aching for something like this... Why didn't I pursue?
On Sunday night, I sat next to my husband on the couch crying tears, being comforted and loved by the amazing man God has given me. Not just about that, but this ache, this longing inside of me to be encouraged by older women, this ache also for seeing friends go through really hard things and wondering if they had more support and love around them, would they be where they are at now?
Earlier that day at church we had ran into Phil at church, a rare event but always an amazing blessing. Diane came over and prayed with me, encouraged me, pouring kind loving words into me, and one of her words were "be faithful" during this season of my life. Filling in me that little void for a moment of Titus 2 women in my life that I ache for.

I needed to be faithful.  Faithful to my husband, with my thoughts, heart, words, actions, time.  Faithful to my children with love, firm discipline, consistency, time.  Faithful to my church, maybe I can't do much at this time, but faithful to pray.  Faithful to my friends, faithful to love, pray encourage them.  Faithful most importantly to God.  To trust, follow, hope, pray and dream with Him. 

In conclusion to Sunday night, I knew I could not change the to be missed experience to Haiti this time.  But, I also knew that I needed to take time to listen better to my God who loves me.

Tuesday morning, I was reading my bible, and praying and reading one of my Sally Clarkson books. She is another Titus 2 woman that I love to read about how she raised her four children who are now all adults and walking with Jesus.
I was reminded of how she had conferences that she did, and God laid it on my heart to pursue this. They are conferences for moms to encourage them.
So I did. I started looking, and At the same time saw airfare was having a huge sale to California, where one of the conferences were.
This time I moved. I talked to nick about it. I thought it would be lovely to find a companion to go with. As I pursued this more, I knew from the burning of the Holy Spirit inside of me that I was suppose to do this. I emailed them asking for details. And even though her husband was recovering from back surgery he wrote me back and apologized for sign ups not being on their websites yet, but gave me the information I needed.
I wasn't finding a companion, but southwest deals were ending last night.
So, this morning, in my inbox, I have a airfare ticket sitting in my inbox to be used in February, a hotel reservation with a room with two doubles, just in case God gives me a friend to do this with, but of not, then I know He means the time for me and Him and I am completely at peace with that. And I am beyond excited of this little adventure of taking a car to the airport in February, getting on an airplane, getting off an airplane and taking a shuttle to a hotel where I will spend two days gleaning and the wisdom of a Titus 2 woman, then get back on a shuttle to the airport and come home.

If I could encourage to you today, it would be take the time to listen, to pray, to seek out what God's dreams are for your life today. Psalm 37 commit them to the Lord, delight in Him, Rest in Him, Dwell in His land and cultivate faithfulness.

That is what I plan to do today. Cultivate faithfulness by living in my beautiful land with four amazing children and a husband who loves me very much.

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