Thursday, September 8, 2011

Our first adoption loss

So, the spring of 2006 was spent preparing paperwork and having homestudy appointments to get us back on the waiting list, round two.  After the women's retreat my heart was definitely on board with this plan God was leading us on. 
We were on the waiting list by summer.  My friends Erin and Katherine were both expecting babies around the same time in November, and I began hoping that maybe we might be too?  Maybe?
We got the phone call in August that began to implant that dream inside my heart sprinkling it with hope. 

(Myspace reblog)
Aug 24, 2006 A baby possibility?

Current mood:hopeful

So, today my case worker called me, and there is a birth mom from Idaho that wants to meet us! She is due November 25th for a scheduled c-section, and is expecting a little girl. We will get a call next week to figure out when at the end of September we will be meeting her. I have no idea what will happen in all of this, but I do know God's way is perfect, and no matter what happens, He will give us the right second child for us, and He will place this baby girl exactly where she needs to be. Please be praying for us, it's so exciting for me to think about a baby girl - it's my next dream you know? Then we would have our Josiah and our Jacey (still figuring out the spelling on it)...

Josiah is sleeping in his big boy bed for the second night, so that is good (=

Thank you for all your prayers, it's just going to be a waiting time for us - I'm just so glad September is super busy for us so the time will pass quickly in the waiting to find out if she chooses us...

Be Very Blessed!

Needless to say I pretty much had it figured out - so I thought.  I already had named this baby. 
September seemed to drag on in my head as we waited to hear confirmation of our meeting time with Deborah.  But it seemed like the perfect fit - a baby girl in November.  What more could I hope for :)  It sounded like she wasn't going to be meeting with anyone else either.  Hopes just kept rising in my heart. 
By the middle of September we had a weekend planned to drive up to the Seattle Office and meet with her there, it sounded like it would be a meeting to just confirm the details of her giving up this baby girl to us.  Maybe it was all in my brain, but I pretty much was set on this being the next big adventure for us. 

But then we got another phonecall...

(myspace reblog)
Sep 28, 2006 Adoption on hold...

Hi all -
Well, we got a phone call today from Bethany - and they are saying that Deborah has changed her mind about meeting us.  She is having some second thoughts, and is leaning towards keeping this baby girl she is carrying.  I am sad, but I have such a peace that this is just from the Lord... I have no idea what His timing will hold, but He does know what's best for us and for her.  Anyways, we are not going to be meeting with her tomorrow anymore, but we are still going to go up to Seattle to have a little gettaway, kind of like a late celebration for our anniversary - I think it will be a good and much needed break with Nick working all these crazy hours lately.
Anyways, I am just grateful that this happened now, and not later on like after the baby was born. 
So, in the mean time, we are just going to keep moving forward with life, and trusting Him in everything, and enjoying our Josiah to the very fullest.  (=
Thanks for all the prayers!!!  Keep 'em up!

Now this blog may have sounded all put together and fine, and God gave me the ability to walk through the motions of the weekend that we were suppose to meet our next birthmom.  We went to Seattle for the night.  The next day we came back home, and were able to celebrate with our friends at a couples baby shower I was helping put together.  I know people around us were concerned if it would be a hard thing for me after the loss, but honestly, there is no place I would have rather been that night. 

The next day I did a 10K with a friend, as part of the Portland Marathon day. 

When I came home, I lost it.  The emotions from the loss hit me full force after setting them aside over the weekend.  I went under my covers in a dark room, and just laid in bed most of the afternoon.  The next week I didn't want to be around anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, avoided phone calls, did what I could to just be home.  I grieved the loss very hard.  Why I had let my heart get so set on this dream?  I hadn't even met the birth mom and I had the deal set in stone. 

That Sunday I sat in the back at church.  This was when Solid Rock was still at the Middle School - and I remember sitting on the back window sill of the cafeteria room that we met in. 
And then the worship band began to play a song. 
A song by Tim Hughes that I had not heart before. 
I heard these words:

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

And silent tears streamed down my cheeks.  I knew the God was with me.  He knows me so intimately.  And for some reason He did not have a Jacey for our family in November.  I could not understand the reasons at the time, but He was there.  He was in my Hoping and my dreaming and my hurting and He would be with me in my healing. 

After that Sunday morning at church, I was able to pick myself back up and start again.  I didn't have a clue of what the future would hold.  But I had been reminded of Who did, and I knew He would be my EVERYTHING while I waited on Him.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. We see God's perfect plan only in retrospect. :)