Friday, September 16, 2011

A year ago today...

A year ago today I sat in a dr.'s office, being told we would need to take our baby of the family, Mallory, to an oncologist.  She had a big lump on her left side of her neck that was not going away, she had extremely low iron levels.  I had already taken her to have an MRI on this lump, and this was the next step.
When I started the new school year, I was overwhelmed.  I had hid myself under the covers on Labor Day afternoon, scared of the schedule that lay ahead of me for the year.  Fear had overtaken me.  I would be driving Josiah to school MWF, Ava to school T Th, doing homeschool with Josiah on T Th, and juggling two babies that were still taking two naps, and I didn't know how it would all come together. 
I wanted some one to help me.  Some one to pick up some of the driving slack, I fearfully anticipated the first day in a dreadful way.
Little did I know, that God was about to throw in a bunch of unexpected dr. visits. 
I quickly jumped in with both feet when Mal got sick.  suddenly the overwhelming moments of the kids schedules seemed like nothing compared to adding in the unknown of what was wrong with my baby girl. 
Amazing how my daily fears melted away when the reality of a bigger situation came forth. 

A year ago today was Nick and my 10 year anniversary.  We were planning on a family vacation with his side of the family, to go to Disneyland 2 days after our anniversary.  It seemed like a very special way to spend our 10 year, and it was a special gift from Nick's brother, to have the family together during that time. 

The night of our anniversary, Nick and I went out to dinner.  We barely made our reservation after swinging Mallory back by my parents home.  I didn't know what the next day would hold.  We didn't know why we were being sent to an oncologist at Emmanuel Hospital the next day.  We didn't know what was going on in little Mallory Joy's body.  We felt very close to the Lord though, and He covered us.  We ate our dinner that night with nothing feeling real to us - like it was this alternative reality that we were in, and we didn't know what the outcome would be. 

The next morning we sat with our little Mallory in the dr's office.  They ran a bunch of tests on her - Mallory got really good at having her blood drawn.  She would then nuzzle herself into me and I would hold her close. 
But then our dr. comes in, and asks us if we knew why we were here.  We did not. 
He melted our fears away in an instant.  "you are not here for the Oncology part of things, but the hematology part of things." 
Mallory's iron levels were low, and she needed to be treated for that. 
Relief flooded my heart. 
However, the lump was getting worse and tender to the touch, which meant "INFECTION"

After going to our next appointment at the ENT dr. (Ear Nose Throat Doctor) we knew that Mallory was going to need to stay home from Disneyland.  That she would probably be going in for a surgery if it got any worse. 

Plans changed quickly once again, and we began to work out details of me staying home with the babies keeping Mallory on watch for the infection getting worse. 

Not the way I planned my 10 year anniversary to go.  Not the way I planned my school year to go. 
But it began a year long lesson that God began to teach me on Provision.  PROVISION.  He provided everything we needed.  My children got to school, Mallory got to her appointments, the girls got the naps they could, we were surrounded by love and prayer with our church body. 

I was given a glimpse of what it would be like to have a child that was sick like that all the time.  My heart often thought of my dear friend Monica who had become a pro at this sort of thing. 

GOD has been my Provider through this year of my marriage. 
Now it is my 11 year anniversary today.  And I am grateful for healthy children, and that my husband has today off.  I don't know what the day holds, but I am going to enjoy every moment :) 

Happy 11 years Nicholas James Adams!  I am so grateful to God for every day with you!  Even the ones that weren't my favorites :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Our first adoption loss

So, the spring of 2006 was spent preparing paperwork and having homestudy appointments to get us back on the waiting list, round two.  After the women's retreat my heart was definitely on board with this plan God was leading us on. 
We were on the waiting list by summer.  My friends Erin and Katherine were both expecting babies around the same time in November, and I began hoping that maybe we might be too?  Maybe?
We got the phone call in August that began to implant that dream inside my heart sprinkling it with hope. 

(Myspace reblog)
Aug 24, 2006 A baby possibility?

Current mood:hopeful

So, today my case worker called me, and there is a birth mom from Idaho that wants to meet us! She is due November 25th for a scheduled c-section, and is expecting a little girl. We will get a call next week to figure out when at the end of September we will be meeting her. I have no idea what will happen in all of this, but I do know God's way is perfect, and no matter what happens, He will give us the right second child for us, and He will place this baby girl exactly where she needs to be. Please be praying for us, it's so exciting for me to think about a baby girl - it's my next dream you know? Then we would have our Josiah and our Jacey (still figuring out the spelling on it)...

Josiah is sleeping in his big boy bed for the second night, so that is good (=

Thank you for all your prayers, it's just going to be a waiting time for us - I'm just so glad September is super busy for us so the time will pass quickly in the waiting to find out if she chooses us...

Be Very Blessed!

Needless to say I pretty much had it figured out - so I thought.  I already had named this baby. 
September seemed to drag on in my head as we waited to hear confirmation of our meeting time with Deborah.  But it seemed like the perfect fit - a baby girl in November.  What more could I hope for :)  It sounded like she wasn't going to be meeting with anyone else either.  Hopes just kept rising in my heart. 
By the middle of September we had a weekend planned to drive up to the Seattle Office and meet with her there, it sounded like it would be a meeting to just confirm the details of her giving up this baby girl to us.  Maybe it was all in my brain, but I pretty much was set on this being the next big adventure for us. 

But then we got another phonecall...

(myspace reblog)
Sep 28, 2006 Adoption on hold...

Hi all -
Well, we got a phone call today from Bethany - and they are saying that Deborah has changed her mind about meeting us.  She is having some second thoughts, and is leaning towards keeping this baby girl she is carrying.  I am sad, but I have such a peace that this is just from the Lord... I have no idea what His timing will hold, but He does know what's best for us and for her.  Anyways, we are not going to be meeting with her tomorrow anymore, but we are still going to go up to Seattle to have a little gettaway, kind of like a late celebration for our anniversary - I think it will be a good and much needed break with Nick working all these crazy hours lately.
Anyways, I am just grateful that this happened now, and not later on like after the baby was born. 
So, in the mean time, we are just going to keep moving forward with life, and trusting Him in everything, and enjoying our Josiah to the very fullest.  (=
Thanks for all the prayers!!!  Keep 'em up!

Now this blog may have sounded all put together and fine, and God gave me the ability to walk through the motions of the weekend that we were suppose to meet our next birthmom.  We went to Seattle for the night.  The next day we came back home, and were able to celebrate with our friends at a couples baby shower I was helping put together.  I know people around us were concerned if it would be a hard thing for me after the loss, but honestly, there is no place I would have rather been that night. 

The next day I did a 10K with a friend, as part of the Portland Marathon day. 

When I came home, I lost it.  The emotions from the loss hit me full force after setting them aside over the weekend.  I went under my covers in a dark room, and just laid in bed most of the afternoon.  The next week I didn't want to be around anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, avoided phone calls, did what I could to just be home.  I grieved the loss very hard.  Why I had let my heart get so set on this dream?  I hadn't even met the birth mom and I had the deal set in stone. 

That Sunday I sat in the back at church.  This was when Solid Rock was still at the Middle School - and I remember sitting on the back window sill of the cafeteria room that we met in. 
And then the worship band began to play a song. 
A song by Tim Hughes that I had not heart before. 
I heard these words:

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

And silent tears streamed down my cheeks.  I knew the God was with me.  He knows me so intimately.  And for some reason He did not have a Jacey for our family in November.  I could not understand the reasons at the time, but He was there.  He was in my Hoping and my dreaming and my hurting and He would be with me in my healing. 

After that Sunday morning at church, I was able to pick myself back up and start again.  I didn't have a clue of what the future would hold.  But I had been reminded of Who did, and I knew He would be my EVERYTHING while I waited on Him.

Friday, September 2, 2011

My weekend away

Break from the infertility journey for a present joy I am sharing :) 
Because I am grateful! 

I get to go away this weekend and run a half marathon :) 
I am SO excited!  I started running after I started to recover from my pregnancy with the twins. 
Last summer Nick got me a treadmill, so I sometimes would run inside, sometimes run outside.  But I discovered that I like to run :) 

Winter time right before my friend Tanya had her baby we started talking races we could this summer.  She suggested the Eugene Half for Women in September and within a month we were both registered. 

I guess I really want to share this, because of my vacation contemplating blog that I had written a few months back.  Although I still would love to go somewhere interesting and new, I have come to peace and even EXCITEMENT in the adventure that awaits me this weekend.  In Eugene of all places! 

To run a race that I have trained all year for and see how well I do.  To get to spend a weekend around 3 other ladies that I love and share in this adventure with them.  To be blessed by the companionship of Tanya and Aleena while my amazing husband watches my four children. 

God showed me complete satisfaction in this being more than enough for me - I am spoiled and blessed! 
Sometimes I put too much emphasis on planning, and not just looking for what God has for me to be able to do right in front of me. 

And hey, if He ever decides to throw that trip to someplace like New York in front of me, I won't complain ;)  But I am not going to dwell on it anymore.  This weekend I plan to live this life well :) 
Hope you all have a great labor day weekend!