I was reminded a few days back of a lesson God taught me while waiting for pregnancy. So, I thought I would share.
I was anxious. Waiting and left with no direction and no clear answers of how God wanted me to spend my time while waiting for a baby. I had swirls of dreams and ideas going around in my head of things I could do to fill the void. I wanted to be pursuing some dream, and if God wasn't going to take care of this baby dream, then I guess I needed to figure something else out. I would often get asked what I was doing these days and I felt so stupid sometimes answering with: "waiting to get pregnant." I wanted to have purpose in my daily life.
During this season, I started my short stint of selling Mary Kay. I actually started off really well - I had a big starter party, and a lot of parties that got scheduled from it. One of those parties was an amazing group of ladies at Cedar Mill. It was 3 older women that had raised their families, and now were spending their time mentoring young wives and new moms. A beautiful set up to watch - definitely after Titus 2. They invited me to one of their group nights to do up all the young women, and the leaders of the group as well. All three leaders invited me back to do individual make overs for each of them.
To be able to do make up and sit down with these beautiful older wiser women and talk with them for an hour or two was a HUGE gift to me. They were encouraging and kind with their words, as they empathized with my heart of wanting to start a family but unable to by my own efforts.
One of the ladies was named Loie.
As we picked out make up ideas, she started asking me questions. I started talking about my different thoughts and pursuits. Maybe I would go to school and get a degree - since I had the time. Although I wasn't sure of what - but it seemed like a good idea. Or maybe I would find work again... I rambled through my thoughts trying to make sense of the disorganized chaos going through my brain.
You know the times, when God uses someone to speak in to your life, just something very practical, and it ends up being so profound that it sets everything at rest? This was one of those moments.
Loie looked at me thoughtfully, and she very practically asked, "Why would you spend the money going to school if in the end, when you are all done, you still just want to be a mom?"
I know I had thought that in my head plenty of times, but to just listen to it from someone else, that had walked through more life than me, was completely different. Those words coming from Loie gave me permission that I didn't have to have things all figured out right now. That just because pieces of this dream weren't all coming together, did not mean God was wanting me to pursue a different purpose or life direction. He had laid being a mom on my heart as the plans He did have for me. It just wasn't the right time yet. He wanted me during this season to learn patience and to wait.
It was a release that it was okay to just spend this time to keep pursuing Him, and even just find rest in Him, and comfort in Him when it was hard. And that was all I needed to do.
I am so grateful for that small gift of time God gave me with Loie. I don't ever see her anymore, although I did receive a very special phone call from her when I was on bed rest waiting for my twins to be born.
Someday, I hope to be a Loie in someone else's life. I have struggled a lot lately with not being able to be involved in other women's lives, the way I was able to when I only had one or two children. Four children consumes my time in such a way that I sometimes feel I have very little left to give at the end of the day. So a current lesson God is teaching me is this.
Right now, I still have a lot of learning and growing up to do. When I think of Loie, or other amazing women like her that have touched my life being those Titus 2 women who are finishing their lives strong, I have found a dream for a later date.
And here it is. When my children are all grown up, and I am wondering what my purpose in life should be, I pray that God can allow me to be that Titus 2 woman to other younger ladies around me. That I will not grow weary of doing good, but that He will use me to be able to bless and encourage those around me.
And for now, I will keep loving the four little ones He has blessed to my care :) A gift I will never stop being grateful for in this season of life :)